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CD: Shaquille O-Neal - Shaq Fu - Da Return
The mass beckoned, and Shaq supplied. For as long as time could tell, everyone wanted basketball franchise players to rap, and Shaquille O’Neal was the one to satisfy the needs of the public. From the beginning of the CD to the very end, listeners are stunned by a full onslaught of the forceful Shaq-Attack as he bounces beats just as well as he bounces basketballs. The unexpected aspect of the music which is the most captivating is the thoughtful lyrics. Unlike other celebrity made music attempts, Shaq reaches into his soul and pulls out some emotional issues and shares them. The highlight of the album is Biological Didn’t Bother, which tells of the moving relationship Shaquille O’Neal had with his step father Phil, because his real blood related dad wanted nothing to do with him. This heartfelt rap jerks all the tears in ones ducts leaving you wanting more, which is exactly what you get. Shaq is a leader of the people and supplies the demands which is why Biological Didn’t Bother is delivered twice on this astounding musical masterpiece. Surprisingly, the second time you hear this song, it is better than the first, which was originally thought to be impossible.
Another precious pearl of perfect performance is Shaq’s Got it Made, where Shaq tells it how it. Shaq’s got it all, he can play basketball, he can write, he can rap, he drinks Pepsi, he can sing, he’s a love machine, and he can act. Another fine attribute to the personal character of Shaquille O’Neal is his loyalty. While listening to this CD Shaq throws mention to his sponsor at the time Pepsi, which is cleverly worked into one of his raps.
The only down side of this national treasure, is that a certain level of respect is lost for other rappers on the CD such as Redman and Method Man. When rapping on their own, it is not apparent, but once paired against the astonishing Shaq rap, it is clear that these are lesser rappers. Shaq not only casts a shadow over these artists due to his immense stature, but he also leaves them in the dark as he casts a shadow over them with his immense talent. The others can barely keep up as Shaq rolls his rhymes as a professional that can free style as well as his free throw.
CD: Fabio - Fabio After DarkOnly a musical mastermind such as Fabio could have grace the world with this fine compilation. Rather than sing or play instruments like all those other chumps in the industry, Fabio instead realizes that songs were already written and recorded that express the message that he wants to convey. So, Fabio makes a CD of those songs, and when the listeners are least expecting it, Fabio pops in for a brief seductive intermission. Honestly, I feel sexier having listened to it.
CD: Garth Brooks - The ChasePeople of the world heed my call, Garth Brooks must be stopped. With his undisputed charm and his dashing good looks he has taken the world by storm, and has no intention of ceasing until he has seized it all. I must use this review to try to remain low profile while at the same time rallying those who are with me. Be forewarned though, if Garth Brooks gets wind of the uprise, he will strike down upon it with untold force. Garth Brooks is not of this world, and his intelligence, prowess, and fighting skill are beyond compare. He is proficient in fighting styles of 6 of the 7 continents of this world, including the death defying Antarctic Attack. In 1536 Garth Brooks was first introduced into the world as a plague overcoming the people Chile, and soon passed through many of the South American Nations. While cloaking themselves in black over their fallen comrades the natives of the continent tried to defeat the reputable force, only to be dismembered one by one as Garth Brooks seemed to be enjoying the havoc he has brought. After the complete destruction over the land, Garth Brooks laid dormant for over 4 centuries, plotting and keening his killing skills. It was not until recently that his personal battle sparked back up, and no one is sure why this point in time was chosen, but one factor is certain; the human race stands no chance. At first, I was under the impression that with the advances in weapons technologies, defense against the Brooks behemoth could be reached, but the wishful thinking was washed away as the mayhem ensued. Garth Brooks has also achieved levels of power that he alone was unaware of. His abilities grew to the extent that his form was unable to harness his true power without self destructing. As a result, Garth Brooks split himself into a second form to aid him in his battle against all. This second form is known only as Chris Gaines, and little is known as to which powers occupy his being and which powers were left in the original host.
So now I ask again, join me before it is too late. Fight the urges to rock out to his authentic country style and his undeniably unique originality. If nothing is done, it is only time before a third Garth Brooks emerges, and then we are only one Brooks away from the four Garth-men of the apocalypse.
CD: Teletubbies - Bedtime and Playtime StoriesI originally bought this CD thinking it would be a sweet thing to play for children. Boy was I wrong, the lyrics are disgusting, distastful and offensive. I have never heard so many gross innuendos in such a short time span. If they were trying to break some sort of record then I stand up and applaud them. I would bow to them, but as is clearly stated in "Teletubbies Title Song," they would take advantage of that in horrible ways. The song Rock-A-Bye Baby gave the impression of kidnapping a mothers babdy by luring it to sleep with an enchanting lullaby, while the only thing the mother can do is wave bye...rock a bye. I have not eaten in days since hearing the savage tale of "The Gingerbread Boy." A great lesson to teach your kids, make friends with a deliscious pal, go everywhere with them, then drown him is utter secretion and devour him feet first so he can watch you feast in what seconds he has left. As I sais, disgusting. For the sake of children reading this review I will not get into detail about the hidden meaning in "Custard Machine Not Working" but lets just say it doesn't take a mechanic to fix it, more around the lines of Viagara.
I will not get into the hidden meaning of the other shameful songs, the point of this review is to warn others that this will not put your kids in the happy place. I will be keeping my copy not to listen to, but I feel reselling it would just make other people suffer, and I do not want to help spread the ideals of a group that I thought died with Hitler. I will also not throw the CD away because then there is a chance that some homeless guy picks it out of my trash, and if he had anything to live for before, he would certainly have nothing to live for after hearing this monstrosity.
CD: Garth Brooks: Ropin' the WindI asked for this one. After reviewing Garth Brooks' CD, The Chase, the word got out on the rally and now the entity is wise to me. Garth Brooks will not rest until ALL who join the brigade are destroyed. I apologize to all that were innocently roped into the fight. Do not let Garth Brooks win this battle, fight for a free earth. There is no place safe to hide from Garth Brooks, he is a tracking and killing machine. The only thing that can ease my mind now is the thought that Garth Brooks reign may soon be haulted. Do not let him win this round, continue the struggle for the survival of peace.
CD: Bruce Willis - The Return of BrunoThis is without a doubt the single greatest second album Bruce Willis has ever released. Unlike herpes, this return breakout is something you can dance too. With this recording Bruce Willis searches deep into his soul and belts out such tear jerkers as "Secret Agent Man" and the spine chilling tale of the rare California Harp Hobo "Under The Boardwalk." I can honestly say, the first listen I didn't really hear anything special about this cd, but then realized my volume was down and now I am in love with it. I proposed to marry it but apparantly that is only allowed in states I am no longer welcome in. Bruce Willis can easily be dubbed greatest rock act of our times, and 4 out of 5 professional geologists agree.
In short, buy this album or action super star Bruce Willis will find you and show you how he got the nickname Bruno.
CD: TOFOG - The Bastard Life of ClarityI was exploding in anticipation with this CD, but once listening to it I was disappointed. The CD does not even deserve a review doused in sarcastic overtones, because the CD was average. Russell Crowe is a good musician, that’s what it comes down to. He is not one of the greats, but he can write good lyrics, he can play, and he can sing. This being said there is not too much else to the album. There is not too much diversity in the songs either. If Russell Crowe did not have the following of the savior of Rome this CD may have been given more light, but it is overcast by the fact that most actor’s musical works are never taken seriously, even if they played before they reached acting success. I too am guilty of this, I was half expecting songs about traveling around the world in a tug boat and fighting everyone he met. It seems Russell Crowe has a softer side and longs to try on that glass slipper to see if he will be the one to accompany Prince Charming to the ball.
BOOK: Elmo's Potty TimeAfter watching this DVD I finally realized what I was doing wrong with the wrong Potty Training thing. As it turns out I was not using the "Potty" at all, but rather the kitchen sink, which explains the odd looks I receive at restaurants.
BOOK: Shaq and the Beanstalk and other Very Tall TalesWhat more needs to be said then Shaq and fairy tales. The basketball legend now sinks his teeth into yet another of his many careers. To add to the ever growing list of actor, sports superstar, matador, and rapper, Shaquille can claim rights to writer. This book is a real page turner as we follow Shaq's real life exploits through his travels. These true accounts reveal how he was quick on his feet when faced with a mighty bean stalk which he soon overcame, how Shaq single handedly bested three bears, how Shaq really updates his wardrobe, how Shaq has trouble with bridges and Shaq adventures while riding in the hood.
The only thing that would have made this book better is if Shaq did the illustrations himself...Shaq the artist? I think we will be seeing this in the near future.
BOOK: Enemies of the Father by MC HammerLet’s Get it Started; MC Hammer has been Gaining Momentum as a supplier of prayer and a financial supporter for his family. The Hammer now teaches us how to better our family by giving us life lessons. Such lessons include driving with a youngster and warding off dangerous drivers signaling, Do Not Pass Me By. Other instructions are to always keep an eye on your child, especially a daughter, and to keep tabs on them. You must constantly ask others, Have You Seen Her. Also, Mr. MC reveals how to deal with discipline when dealing with a loved one by first giving the warning before laying into them with such phrases as, Here Comes the Hammer, or Pray. The most important teaching in this magnificent original work is how to fight the urges a father is faced with under the circumstances that he is attracted to his offspring. They must keep repeating to themselves, U Can’t Touch This, and the urges will subside.
I sleep a little better at night knowing that MC Hammer is looking out for the well being of the families of the world.
BOOK: Elmo's Guessing GameCan you guess why Elmo wears no pants? Rest assured the answer is much most shocking and disturbing then once thought. Learn the answer in this gruesome graphic novel.
MOVIE: Curious George Goes to the HospitalThis is a monumental step in the George Collection. George finally finds himself along with a monkey size ounce of courage and makes his life changing transition. Watch as our favorite monkey transforms from Curious George, to Bi-Curious George, to Flaming George, to Georgette when the tree swinger gets an operation when he goes to the hospital. A modern twist on a classic children’s series.
MOVIE: SawThis movie makes me want to dance. Shred loose and cut-up the dance floor. I can barely sit still at all this movie entrails. This movie was bloody brilliant, and splattered with cinematic ingenuity. I give this two removed thumbs up.
MOVIE: No Holds BarredA success, a brilliant success. The only movie to inspire a Green Day album. This Hulk Hogan classic tells the story of Jesus Christ's fight against the Romans in this modern day battle. Instead of the battle field taking place in the days of old and our hero getting crucified, the battle is in a bar and our Hulk gets Zuesified. Jesus (aka Rip) lashes out the same way 2000 years later...with raw muscle power and brute force. Could Jesus be locked in a car by a bladder deficient limo driver...NO...either could the Hulkster. Hulkamania lives on, and rises again every Easter.
Simply stated, worship the Hulkster, or chances are you will suffer eternal damnation. This movie is a quality family flick that should be watched religiously every Sunday. The Creator may have rested on the 7th day, but on the 8th he made No Holds Barred.
MOVIE: SNL Best of Chris KattanBeing a compilation of all the hilarious moments on SNL when Chris Kattan graced the screen makes this the shortest DVD ever put into production.